Ecstatic Gaucho

Computer say no

The laptop seems to have gone on the blink. While I get this sorted out, I’d like to draw your attention to this appropriate blog: the Fail blog. The site chronicles ludicrous misteps and misadventures from around the world.

On the piss

This afternoon I managed to combine sitting in the park with official business (by reading a book important for research), and heard this snippet from a grey-haired bloke talking into his phone: “I was wondering if you were in town. I’m on the piss at the minute. I’ve just finished with my lunch-time friends and I’m wondering what to do.”

I feel I’ve gone on a bit too much about bicycles recently, but I’m not particularly interested in Michael Jackson so I’m not going write about him. Well, one little thing perhaps. I’d heard five Wackson Jackson jokes by 11 O’clock this morning and they all involved his penchant for children.

I will try and move onto non-bike topics, but first I want to say something about cycle lanes. Apparently, there’s evidence that special cycle paths actually make the roads less safe for cyclists. That may be so, but I feel safer riding in the little green box. Perhaps bike paths are like cycle helmets, which some evidence suggests do not improve overall cycling safety. It surely can’t hurt to wear one though.

Apparently, Boris is helping set up a network of bicycle super highways radiating through London. The first two paths run from Wimbledon to Bank and from Barking to Tower Hill and will be in use by next May. Boris was looking at the route of the east London path when the lorry almost took him out last month.

So, what will these ’superhighways’ for bikes mean? Firstly, they’ll have ‘their own identity’ with road markings and signs. That way we’ll at least know when we’re on one of these fabled routes. Secondly there’ll be ‘provision of advance stop boxes and … continuous lanes’. Most London roads already have ‘advance stop boxes’, but it sounds like Boris won’t have to worry apologising about going through red lights when ‘continuous lanes’ have been installed. I can almost hear the bubbling of the blood already as furious London drivers learn of that improvement to the capital’s roads.

Finally, ‘obstructions will be minimised and improvements made to road surfaces to ensure a smoother ride’. This is a very welcome change. My old warhorse clatters like a box of cutlery chucked down a lift-shaft when negotiating some of our pot-holed and pitted roads. Smoother roads would be lovely thanks Boris. I suppose removing the obstructions means getting rid of all those silly cycle paths – weh hey!

While we wait for the south east London bikeway, perhaps we can install our own cycle lane with the cunning LightLane. (Actually, we’ll have to wait for this too, as it’s currently a prototype.) This gadget from the US uses a laser to beam an illuminated cycle path on the ground around your bike.It’s meant to ‘encourage a driver to provide the rider with a wider berth by capturing their attention‘ according to an interview with LightLane’s designer on Wired. I wouldn’t be surprised if this didn’t actually make the road less safe for cyclists, like the counter-intuitive evidence that suggests bike paths and cycle helmets do just that too. Perhaps a laser gun would be better.

One of the slightly less rude (but not less tasteless) Wackson jokes: ‘Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven yesterday and God gave her one wish. She asked for all the children of the world to be kept safe. Shortly afterwards Michael Jackson appeared at the pearly gates.’

Apart from the obligatory helmet, I’m not really into cycling kit. It seems a bit unnecessary and, in the case of cycling shorts, frankly indecent. Cycling gloves are a slightly different matter. A few years ago I remember being mystified and asking a friend why he wore his. He said they made it easier to grip the handle bars and you got less grit gets in your palms if you fell off. I bought some shortly afterwards. Now it’s the summer, I also have a pair of cycling glasses to prevent pollen and dust getting in the eyes; but ordinary plimsolls and shorts still do the job.

It all began to change last Christmas when I was given a very swanky Marmite cycling top. It’s dapper and, I thought, pretty original. It turns out that Foska, the manufacturers, use it in their website meta-description: ‘A unique range of cycle and running clothing, including the MARMITE® jersey’. So, they’re a selling point, rather than a rarity. Now that I wear it, perhaps I am into cycling kit?

Perhaps it’s just more comfortable than a cotton t-shirt; they’re well-ventilated with better maneuverability. However, there is a problem. Wearing a proper cycling jersey I feel obliged to tear through the traffic at maximum speed. With a tatty old t-shirt on it doesn’ t matter if I pootle along at my own pace.

Wearing the Marmite top – a proper racing jersey – a complex wave of emotion washes over me as soon as someone pedals past. Initially my c0mpetitive streak is piqued: ‘Grrrr. I’ll get ‘em.’ This usually means that I’ll have to run red lights, so rivalry is tempered with disappointment (if only I drove through red lights), and resentment (if riding through London is a race, then riding the lights is breaking the rules and unsportsman-like).

Of course, riding through London is not a race: it’s a jerky, stop-start procedure that usually involves riding 2/300 metres, then stopping for lights. I wonder if Foska do a looser-fitting, tweed-pattern ‘Three Men on the Bummel‘ number. A chap could roll amiably through the streets of London in such a garment without anyone implying that he should be working up a sweat… even if the person who is making these suggestions is himself.

How to make your PC safe and fast, for free

Although it’s easy to get lost when the conversation turns to the finer details of the Java coding or the history of the Rebel Alliance, working with a bunch of techies does have its advantages. One of these is handy computer tips.

I had a nagging PC problem and searching the internet didn’t seem to bring up much useful information. Rather, it brought up too much information, but it was difficult to know what was good advice. The issue was my laptop that was running slower than a snail working under the union leadership of Bob Crow.

Perhaps I should uninstall some programs, but which ones? I was also running Symantec’s Norton Anti-Virus software, but it was due for renewal. Luckily, the marvellous Richard Edmonds, who operates under the title of Traygon, made some excellent suggestions which have made noticable improvements. (Yes, he did tell me to write that, but it is true.)

Firstly, I had to replace Norton with a free Anti-virus software called AVG. Wowzers! Getting rid of Norton felt like taking off a pair of lead socks. It appears you actually have to pay Norton to slow down your computer. AVG combined with the Windows firewall is apparently enough security.

Next, there was a thing called CCleaner (the first ‘C’ is for Crap) which finds unnecessary… erm ‘crap’, in your registry files (that’s the database which contain all your settings and can get thoroughly clogged up) and gets rid of them. Finally, Auslogics free defragger gives your PC a much better defrag than the built-in Windows version. So now the computer has not only got rid of its heavy socks, but thrown out the platform boots that it was tottering around on, and is now sprinting around in a brand new pair of trainers.