The kitchen wall. Top: new paint job, middle: semi-polyfilla-ed hole, bottom: old wallpaper

After almost three years of dreaming (and saving) I’ve finally got round to replacing my old 1980s kitchen. The drawers and cupboards didn’t close properly, the tap dripped and the stove was rusty. It was way past its best; the sort of kitchen that featured where Neil could be found cooking ‘lentil sick’ in The Young Ones.

These are the lessons I learned after putting in our new Ikea kitchen. Ikea might not sell the best kitchens, but they are sturdy and they are about the cheapest. Preparing the kitchen and fitting them is hard work, and constantly hunting for the screw driver and/or pliers can leave you feeling almost stoned.

1. Plan the kitchen
Obviously you must have a rough idea of what you want to do, but you will also have to plan it on the Ikea CAD system. Although it’s possible to download the software and plan at home (unless you’re using Ubuntu like me), using it can be tricky so you might benefit from some guidance from an expert. A trip to pick the brains of someone at Ikea might help – but you will have to book ahead or hang around for hours. Then a period of reflection might help before you actually purchase the stuff.

Meanwhile back at home, you’ll have prepared your kitchen – in our case this meant stripping off the greying yellow wood-chip wallpaper and filling the craters revealed underneath. Then sanding and painting the wall.

2. Plan the plumbing and wiring
Once you have a rough plan of your kitchen, book a plumber and electrician to make any necessary adjustments (moving sockets, putting the gas in right place) before you actually start work. The key is to get work done on a ‘per job’ basis rather than a more expensive ‘per hour’ rate. It is much easier to do this if you plan ahead, and the work itself should be easier without the new cupboards in the way.

3. Get a friend to help
Installing the kitchen is a complex business and a definitely a two person job. Luckily, in my case a friend* who’d fitted a couple of kitchens before volunteered to help out a year and a half ago. I never forgot that offer. You will need two people to heft some of the units and it helps with the planning and measurements if you have some prior experience.

4. You will have to go back to the shop at least once more
It’s very unlikely that you’ll pick up everything you need, and another trip to Ikea is likely. One of our units was too big, so we had to go back on Sunday morning to get another one 10 cm narrower. Earlier, at the shop we found they didn’t have quite enough cupboard doors or shelves which would require another journey back to the belly of the furniture beast in a week or two.

5. It will take much longer than you thought
Not just some jobs will take longer, but everything will. I would say take your initial guess of how long it will take, and double it.

6. Ikea is designed for giants
Following the Ikea CAD plan may produce some strange dimensions. They will suggest that you put the cupboards up at xxm xxcm. Measure this out, and step back to look at it, you might even want to hold up a cupboard to this height before you start securing them to the wall, and see if you will be able to reach the top shelf. More than likely, you may find the top of the cupboards are lost in the clouds and are difficult to reach even if you’re lanky and stand on a chair and then balance on your tiptoes.  The kitchens were designed with seriously strapping great vikings in mind.

7. Doubts are inevitable
You wonder, does this bit go in here or here… and am we doing this right? Is this really a sensible investment? Where’s that Allen Key again? Will it ever end? Why didn’t we just spend the money and get in the professionals? Stick with it. There’s no doubt that it is a good investment – at the very least you won’t have to put up with that horrible wood chip wallpaper.

*Thanks very much Al.